░░░░ o y a s u m i ░░ ▷ a journal for lys

[lysander]

mood: bad
body: sick
brain: paranoid

so here's my list of things i need to do outside of classwork:

- finish songs for game thing
- dialogue bleeps
- 2 commissions
- 2/5 more adopt designs
- some furvilla comms
- i think i have art trades to do that i forgot to log into my planner
- judge my adopt contests (like 6)
- judge my friend's adopt contests (really long entries)
- complete ghost kal entry
- ????????

[lysander]

people who try to engage you but fail to do so in a way that is even remotely meaningful

one would think a baseline of similarities would usually prompt people into trying to make friends but the thing that baffles me is that this apparently isn't always the case. esp when it seems so clear to me that we come from completely different worlds and don't actually have a shred of similarity aside from like, similar hobbies

but lys! aren't similar hobbies enough?!
NO
nononono

that's like saying people can be friends just because they both like sports
"wait lys that sounds really reasonab--" NO. FUTBALL and FOOTBALL are not the same sports. if you only care about one of them, why would you bother being friends with someone who shares literally no other interest except an interest the general... idea of sports

that was an example, but let's get a little deeper: lots of people make ocs. ocs are like my favorite thing in the entire world. but people make eXTREMELY different ocs that are influenced by their lives, their preferences, the media they consume, influences, i mean... anything. this means lots of different types of ocs are out there and GUESS WHAT i gravitate towards people who share SIMILAR tastes in characters, stories, etc... the fact that this aspect seems to completely go over some ppl's heads is literally mind boggling to me

also i hate small talk. do not engage in small talk with me. give me a reason to continue a conversation because frankly i am not obligated to give you my time just because you asked for it

god is this what getting old feels like
i remember when i was like 16 on forums and all that and people used to tell me i was mature
a) that was a load of bull
b) yet even so i found myself being all [math lady meme] at my older peers

like once i got caught inbetween a double catfishing incident where two of my pals (21, 18) were CATFISHING EACHOTHER and DATING and i, a SIXTEEN YEAR OLD, was the one mediating their relationship issues. in retrospect the people i liked back then were not very good people

rubs my head i want to sleep

[lysander]

tbh if i was REALLY mature i'd quit going on these dumb sites that expose me to unnecessary salt and or cringe-inducing content

i guess this is like some non-violent yet probably more psychologically twisted form of self harm — THIS IS A JOKE
no but really why do i do this to myself

ok i know why tho
it's DEFINITELY because my inferiority complex makes me feel the need to somehow validate the weird and unnecessary belief that somehow i am different compared to other people and chronicling my thought process on a kid's website where it's easy to stand out does a great job of doing just that

now if i could deal with my inferiority complex that'd be great but MMMM I CAN'T BE PERFECT NOW CAN I

[lysander]

WELL I SURE GOT NOTHING HECKING DONE TODAY

mmm today was supposed to be productive day but i was in a weird mood after failing to eat a proper meal all day because i just keep assuming we dont have any starch

but like i cant just eat plain rice?? i mean i guess i could have made eggs and rice but i dunno
i am hungry and restless and very uncomfortable

tangents

1. hey lys you remember being young and in love and having the patience for those aesthetic thought notes n stuff
yeah no i cant take myself seriously anymore even with all the aes that i love
i dont think ive been able to take myself seriously since 2013

2. im low on cash! nice! i need to draw and do things so i can have! cash!
hey lys why dont you get a [expletive] job!!!!!!! yknow!!!!!!! to get MONEY!!!!!!
right let me just punch myself in the face until threatening myself to apply for one actually starts to work

3. i love being so anxious being late 15 minutes to a 1hr45min class makes me skip bc i dont want to walk in and let people stare at my late ass

4. im getting em music anxieties in a slight way but this should be manageable as long as i get this done asap

5. i ... need to write

6. i cant wait until all my responsibilities are done and this doesnt even cover school stuff

7. haha my thoughts are funny, i am funny, please laugh at my self depreciative jokes to fill the hole where my unconditional, parental love should be

hey maybe i should write a book about how funny my existence is as a coping mechanism

[lysander]

lys quotables

once i got caught inbetween a double catfishing incident where two of my pals (21, 18) were CATFISHING EACHOTHER and DATING and i, a SIXTEEN YEAR OLD, was the one mediating their relationship issues.

^^^^ btw im not 16 anymore so this doesnt violate the rule of me giving out my age!!!!!!! this was like. very many years ago

mood: bad
body: sick
brain: paranoid

big mood:

big mood is me making vague, confused hand motions at the general populace, mouthing the word why as an expression of complete confusion overcomes my face

also wow i passed out due to stomach pains yesterday which is a big improvement from actually being conscious while it feels like someones trying to stuff my intestines through a meat grinder while im still alive

ive been sitting in the valet parking lounge for an hour and its midnight

my hyperinflated ego is either a problem or a result of hating myself from ages 12-18

its like the akemi homura paradox, either im a cocky piece of scum or i condemn myself to sink into self loathing

a fly is harassing me and i just gave a hobo a five dollar bill

[lysander]

sometimes i think abt how my brother is 17 now and i feel ancient

when ur younger most ppl think 21+ yos have their lives together

hahahahahahahahhahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha

[lysander]

i think i have chronic stomach issues T___T a few yrs ago i was fine but this last year has been plagued with weird stomach Things i didnt have before... im trying to figure out if its my lifestyle or my diet or my schedule or something.... argh i wish i could eat the things i want to without getting stomach aches or otherwise feeling sick for the rest of the night.... i get hungry after 12am and i cant eat anything bc itll make me feel sick hhhhh

[lysander]

its embarrassing that my personal essays that i do for fun end up longer than the actual essays i do for class..........................................................................

remember the time i overshot an essay word limit by 300 words and painstakingly started rephrasing and removing adjectives

[lysander]

im procrastinating on stuff right now.....................................
yknnow i wonder if ppl judge me for typing like a fool and assume im younger than i actually am omg
im not dumb... i do notice when people are talking down to me and i Do Not Take To It Kindly

man i need to stop procrastinating and actually get to writing this thing
once i get started itll be fine as long as i can find some kind of groove hrm.... i better put on the write music and maybe have a little tea? maybe unwind a little before continuing so i can get my creative juices flowing

i also probably need to stretch my legs....

[lysander]

writing: DONE
test: NOT STUDIED FOR YET

i sure have my priorities in place!!! oh well im not that worried about the test, and i got some time after my first class to study too i think... gonna get some food then probably study for an hour before i get ready 2 leave

WHOOOOO feels good to have that done tho!!!!