░░░░ o y a s u m i ░░ ▷ a journal for lys

[lysander]

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Parent 1: Sharai
by irina

Parent 1 Codes:

█ 555A5D
█ 484949
█ 2E393E
█ 1F2128
█ 0F1719
█ 01050A
█ 010200
█ 38315A
█ A7A7C6

Parent #1 Edits:

standard: hair

Last Breeding:
none

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[lysander]

 

big mood: my art sucks and why?
honestly i know its 100% bc of my moodswings lol i checked the last time i had a crappy mood and WHOOPDIDOO it was EXACTLY 2 weeks previous

when will i get birth control that will stop my period bc i'm literally unable to be productive like thiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiis
i guess i just need to talk to my doctor and just kinda... bring it up;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;

 

[lysander]

copy pasta:

not needing advice, just wanted 2 share a little story bc im procrastinating on things i should be doing!

so ive been dating this guy for .. going on 6 yrs now and we met in my freshman year of highschool — basically its been A REALLY LONG TIME and previous to that i'd been dating a girl who i loved a LOT but ... let's just say the relationship was far from healthy lmao... sometimes it occurs to me how different the relationships are. like, let me map this out for you. my relationship w my exgf was like, she was older than me by a few years and i was young and naive and a hardcore romantic — i mean, at the core i guess i still am, but more on that later — and i dunno, i think at the time we were both too emotionally immature to properly sustain a relationship, especially since she was emotionally detached and — well. i have issues with putting people i love on pedestals which WARNING is not a good idea!!!! don't do it!!!!

the combination of me being WAY too clingy/in love and her being emotionally detached was just. super volatile and i have capital E Emotional Baggage. as young teens are often wont to do i was trying to find some way to distract myself from it all, so... i'd been talking to my current boyfriend for a while as a friend, told him about my gf and everything and basically he was a shoulder to cry on

then after a while it was clearly obvious he was interested in me so i basically forced him into confessing then we started to date HAHAHAHAHA.... when we talk about it in retrospect, my boyfriend mentions he'd been interested in me from the very moment we met which is hilarious and adorable to me now. i pretty much like, only noticed he existed on this fieldtrip we took where i saw him eating lunch alone and i was like "oh my god he looks so sad" — but then i got dragged away by a pal to go look for frogs. TANGENT. but anyway

i think there's a huge common misconception among people that you have to be 100% fairy tale in love with someone to be happy in a relationship. i think, more than anything, my boyfriend is like... my best friend with benefits. we sit around and talk for hours about ANYTHING, and there are times where we laugh so hard doing dumb stuff that i can't catch my breath. i don't think i'm necessarily DEEPLY IN LOVE WITH HIM or anything like that — but like? i've been there, done that — with my exgf, with other people in my life (i have complicated relationships ffff) — and like, god, i was miserable. i was so in love with my exgf that i pretty much lost my sense of self and spent most of my time crying. when things were good it was REALLY good, but when things were bad... oh boy. but with my boyfriend... i mean, we talk about our bowel movements with eachother like we're talking about the weather. we're so comfortable with eachother, it's... a big trust thing. he's someone i have fun with, who i'm comfortable with, someone who supports me and makes me laugh.

so like... i dunno. sometimes i see people with relationships that are ????? full of strife and i dunno what to tell people other than that you've really got to love yourself before you can love anyone else. i've got first hand experience basing my entire self perception on the opinion of one person, and it's... a bad idea. when you put people on a pedestal, they will never reach your expectations — and why? because they're people, and people will never be perfect. relationships are about trying to help eachother become the best version of themselves, supporting eachother mutually — but putting unrealistic expectations on someone puts so much pressure on them, and pretty much sabotages your own happiness. it takes a lot of arguments in order to come to a point where you understand how to communicate, how to compromise — but in the end it's worth it

ok i need to sleep zzzz

[lysander]

 

big mood is wanting to write and draw oc stuff but having other obligations first but also being too depressed to force myself to do anything but watch dumb shows on netflix

 

[lysander]

 

listen, lys is really, really nice
until his patience is tested by an apparent lack of common sense

big mood:


 

[fruitvale]

this is rlY heckin funny and interesting to read - keep doing what u do ! ! ! ! u have loVELY art n writing ok , ,

[lysander]

this is rlY heckin funny and interesting to read - keep doing what u do ! ! ! ! u have loVELY art n writing ok , ,

THANKS I RLY APPRECIATE IT !!!! ty for enjoying my...... thought process ??? for lack of a better word wwwwww

[lysander]

big mood is me making vague, confused hand motions at the general populace, mouthing the word why as an expression of complete confusion overcomes my face

also wow i passed out due to stomach pains yesterday which is a big improvement from actually being conscious while it feels like someones trying to stuff my intestines through a meat grinder while im still alive

[lysander]

also do you ever just look at someones sense of humor and tilt your head in confusion because you just dont think its funny

also why is my dad tryinf to mandate my bed time again? hi dad if i had my life together i should be out of college and youre still trying to do this...? i mean sure go ahead and waste BOTH our time

[lysander]

UH I WROTE THIS LONG THING AS A REPLY TO SOMETHING ELSE but i think it bears repeating so im posting it here too

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i'm in community college with the hopes of going into emerging medias and communication as a scholar/professor/researcher and the college experience for me has been generally positive? i think it's important to put my feelings in the context of my life and experiences — that being that highschool was an utterly miserable experience for me (depression, for one — bad family drama for another) so my views are probably biased since my life dramatically improved once i left the toxic hellhole that is pre-college public education. i still deal with a lot of anxiety issues, so that does interfere with my ability to be productive, but the hands-off approach to college i've experienced suits me a lot better than being judged constantly for trying to turn in late work and the peer-pressure-y environment my peers created (like "you have to TRY to fail a class!" meanwhile i was sitting there, failing chemistry lol);;;;;;; i used to care a lot about getting into a good school and going into the "right" field (something my parents would praise) until the amount of pressure from everyone around me pretty much made me have a mental breakdown in my junior year of highschool. i guess at that point, i had to teach myself to stop giving a crap about expectations since those expectations were fundamentally ruining me

about art school though: i also don't think you need a degree or a college education to be an artist — be that in literature, music, art — what have you. i think having exposure to to a formal education is beneficial (as opposed to having no formal training) but when you balance that out with the job market and student loans, i don't think the benefits are always enough to offset the cost. again, i think it largely depends on what your goals are. i don't know enough about other fields to really give a nuanced opinion, but like. let me put it into perspective:

one of my friends is a freelancing pixel artist and game developer who's never had any college education, and he's really good and really knows his stuff. he doesn't need and will probably never need a degree to do what he loves to do — that is, making games. and he currently supports himself solely on his freelancing work atm. i mean, he's definitely a starving artist, but the nice thing is that he isn't compromising himself to do what he wants to do, the way he wants to do it. he's pretty much living the indie game developer dream.

the big difference between him and someone formally educated in college is that a person majoring in some aspect of game development will only learn that one skill. they will be very good at it, yes, but these people are groomed to be a part of a team or a big company that hires them to do parts of a game. in college, they do not learn how to make a game from scratch — assets, programming, story and all. it's a completely different skillset. that's not to say being highly specialized as bad (because it's not!) but like, i guess the point of this example was to point out that sometimes formal education grooms you to do certain things in a certain way which may shoehorn people into certain roles? but also like — in the case of game development in particular, there's SO many resources online that pretty much anyone can start making games at home. work at it hard enough and you can make something amazing — kind of parallel to art, really. i mean, all you really need is hard work, practice, some drawing program (or supplies if traditional) and ... google LOL. i'm definitely a firm believer in the idea that anyone can do anything if they tried hard enough.

NOW, with my major and all... i'm actually extremely excited to finally get into the meat of my studies (which i should be able to within a year!) because i'm... doing something i really want to do. previously, i always thought i wanted to be a web developer or something. i still think web development is a super cool field to be in, but the prospect of being hired, having to be a part of a company, or freelancing for a client just... always freaked me out. so i had some weird epiphany not even that long ago and i realized — wait, i can... get paid to research things i love? emerging medias and communication includes digital media — the internet, and interactive, digital works (games) — and the aspect of it that i want to really focus on is how narratives shape/are shaped by the technology we have available today. this is all good and whatnot, but like — i think it's pretty easy to tell i will need a lot of formal training to dig into this topic since it touches on so many other things (sociology, philosophy, etc.) the good news is that i'm a heckin nerd so i really enjoy essays and stuff

i think the biggest thing that made a difference for me and my college experience so far is that, like... at this point in my life, i'd already gone through more than enough crap with my family and my mental health prior to even getting to college. so like... the bar was incredibly low. even in my first semester, oh boy. my anxiety was so bad that i skipped all my classes during finals week just because i felt guilty about not having a textbook. i even skipped the classes i was doing WELL in and i got placed on academic probation after that little stunt of mine lmao. it took a long time for me to work my anxiety down to manageable levels. but like, in general... all my professors have been WAY better than my highschool teachers — like, way more understanding, way more chill, way easier to talk to. idk if it's different in a 4 year uni (i'm in community college) but... i dunno, i like it. the work load isn't bad at all either since i'm not a full time student and the cost is pretty cheap as compared to forking over 50k a semester. i pay about 200-300 bucks a class at community and i've pretty much got all my general credits taken care of. i can't avoid not paying up once i transfer but by then it should be only the classes i really need for my degree.

ok im sorry this is so long and im going off on tangents bc its 3:40am and i am HUNGRY but!!!! the last bit you put down tho — those feelings are REALLY valid. i think it's similar to how i felt about STEM majors and going to an ivy league school back before i graduated highschool. i always felt obligated to go into a "good" field and a "good" school and like — my parents would constantly praise my cousins who're all ........ lawyers, doctors, engineers..... seriously every single one of them. and i have a LOT of cousins. i'd always compare myself to them like "why aren't i doing as well as them?" but then, i'd also be thinking ".... i don't even want to be in those fields?? why do i care??" ??? it never helped that all my peers in highschool were overachievers and all of them are in Big Schools like yale, harvard, lmao i mean i was surrounded by people who judged you so hard for making a C on something so i just... felt so defective. first because i didn't make good grades, second because i didn't want to do the things my cousins were doing. i remember my aunt saying once that it was "such a shame" that i wasn't going to some really big school ... like, she totally thought i couldn't hear her lol but i did. made me feel like crap. especially since i'm already the black sheep of the family for Not Being Straight — so like, ok. first i'm not heterosexual, second of all i'm a failure, third of all even if i wasn't i'd still be a flop because i hate STEM field stuff so apparently that means i'll never make a 6 digit income and i'll never be fulfilled or successful?

i don't know what changed but at some point i realized that if i kept caring about these fake obligations i felt beholden to, i was probably going to die. like, literally die. i've attempted suicide once before and i still (will probably always) struggle with depression. i realized that no matter what i do, i can't do it without first taking care of myself and my mental health. so i guess, the solution was to... stop giving a crap about what other people think. which is like, DUH if you think about it, but actually learning to let go is ALWAYS WAY HARDER than it seems. especially when the need to please your family is so deeply ingrained into you. thankfully for me, my parents really stepped back realized what'd they been doing wrong. now, things are so different — like, every little thing i manage to do (even if it's as simple as showing up to class on time) feels like a little victory to me, because i know that at some point in my life things were so hard i couldn't bring myself to even get out of bed. and especially now that i don't feel obligated to go into a certain field, i feel... free to do whatever i want? for myself only? going to college is just tangential to my goal now — it's not the same big ol' roadblock in my life that it used to be when i was still trying to fit into the mold of cousins. i don't think about whether or not i'll have a stable job because in the long run i think i'd rather make mistakes and struggle than to lie to myself and be stuck in a field doing a job i hate. i'm letting myself be in charge of my own life and happiness for once and while i think you and i are taking different paths, i think the motive behind going to college/NOT going to college is the same: we just wanna do what we want to do, yk????

honestly screw anyone who's judging you for not getting a degree, especially for art bc that's so... i don't know how to explain how i feel about it. i think someone mentioned that it's kind of a scam? i agree tbh

ANYWAYS SORRY THIS IS SO LONG I HAVE A LOT OF feelings about education so i ended up writing.... a lot.....