☾ 雨 天 ☽

[Gladis]

Though I haven't been very nice to my body,
my body has never failed me.

Though I always doubt my body,
my body is patient & gives me time to learn

how to love.

[Gladis]

"What do you think is the meaning of life?" The philosopher friend asked me in the small Chinese restaurant settled around the Seattle border.

"Happiness. Finding happiness," I had replied. It really was what I was looking for this whole time. I don't know when I lost it, but I was determined to get it back.

China, you are too good to me. Every time I visit, I never want to leave.

Perhaps it was the people there. I met so many friends this time - I don't know what they saw in me, but I’m glad they gave me a chance.

[Gladis]

I was stuck in the past,
trying to forget.

I am not the same person I was years ago,
& my life is not the same.

So perhaps it's not about forgetting,
but about moving on.

[Gladis]

these last few years have not been the best.
I can’t say I’m proud of my past, or how I’ve lived it.
But I will no longer cling to my past & my pain.
Because in a month or so, my whole life will change.
Though I’ll have to let go of the people I love,
I also have a chance to restart my life.

Life moves on, & so I too want to move on.
I don’t want to live the rest of my life like I did.
I don’t want to suffer anymore.

So here’s a promise to myself (& the world)
that I’ll be a better person.
That I’ll shed less tears, & smile more.
That I’ll take care of myself.
That I’ll change for the better.

So here’s to a happy & hopeful future.

[Gladis]

I'm excited!
Because this chapter of my life is about to come to an end.
Though it's something I would scrap & toss away,
I'm grateful for its existence for it has taught me
how to be strong.

I'm excited!
Because a new chapter of my life is about to start (In a month or so!)
& this time, I know exactly what I want this chapter to look like!

[Gladis]

Forget about it.
Bury it deep.

Nothing matters when you don't remember.

[Gladis]

As strange as it sounds, my sadness disappeared overnight.

A while back, I woke up one morning & felt peaceful on the inside for the first time in like... Forever. The thunderstorm inside my head had finally cleared.

I wanted to improve myself instead of constantly pointing out my flaws. I've significantly improved these past few months. I stopped impulsively eating & I started working out again, which helped me shed the few pounds I've gained in the past year or so.

I can't really explain this feeling... I just feel so happy for no reason at all?? I want to live again instead of just survive. The idea of living used to sound so miserable to me, but now it just excites me. I am SO happy to be living this beautiful life. As I try to go back to the happier days, I realize that I never expected to miss the little parts of my old life so much. But now I'm back to running in the rain, dancing in front of the mirror, shamelessly singing at the top of my lungs in the car, camping in the backyard with friends, partying, & feeling the confidence I always lacked. I even started a list of goals for next semester (for starters, it's: be more fashionable, be more confident, participate in more activities & clubs, work out daily, keep my hair healthy, & learn how to do better makeup lmao)

As my numbness fades, I start to focus on taking care of myself more. I feel like I lost my identity once my depression overtook me. I lost passion in everything, & I stopped doing the little things that make me happy. For the past few years or so, I really wasn't me because the me I know was happy & had lots of love to give. The person I became was filled with so much hatred & negativity that it sank me deeper & deeper into my depression. But I'm back now after being lost for so long! I'm the person who made her coworkers & manager laugh. I'm the person who always made her friends smile when they were going through a hard time. I'm the person who was able to make a lasting impression to everyone she talked to. I'm the person who was able to bring happiness to a lot of people, & I am glad to be that person again.

((Even though a small part of me is afraid that I'll go back to being sad & hopeless for the years that follow, but I know that I am strong.))

[Gladis]

I bought a 60 cent goldfish a few years ago out of pity.
He was less than an inch long, stuck to the side of the tank filled with hundreds of others.
He lived in a 10-gallon tank with my friendly bottom feeder Atticus.
I thought I had given him a better life.

Atticus passed away a few months ago.
My goldfish is bigger than my hand now, & he barely has any space to swim around.
He stares at his reflection all day long. I wonder if goldfish get lonely sometimes.
He has a scar on his mouth from running into the glass so much.
No one has a big enough tank for him. & the ones that do fear that he'll eat the other fish.
It's also common knowledge that goldfish should never be released into the wild.
So in essence, he is trapped in this tiny world.

I thought I could give him a better life. I thought I could make my own life better.
But in the end, I'm just a goldfish with nowhere to go.

[Gladis]

tiny note thank you to you guys who keep supporting me regardless :””)
I honestly appreciate you guys sM YOU DONT EVEN KNOW-

[Gladis]

It's finally over. I can finally leave everything in the past now.
It's been rough. I lost myself for a while & I'm still trying to "create" myself again.
For the most part, I'm pretty glad that it's all over.
But a small part of me still wants to hold on. Just for a while.

I have big things ahead of me, & I still don't know what kind of person I want to be.
But I know now that I'm finally prepared to face the world.