by Gladis » Wed Apr 04, 2018 6:44 pm
12:42 AM || April 4, 2018
Anger.
It was the only way she could describe that feeling. It is a killer who left no survivors. Guilt & regret followed closely behind. It coursed through her veins like hot poison & she wanted to spit it out. Angry at what? She didn't know for sure. Maybe because she would never live up to her expectations, or the expectations of others. Maybe it was anger at the harsh reality that she faced. Or the way her parents invalidated her feelings at times. Or maybe, it was just a lot of stress. Whatever it was, she couldn't stop herself. The idea of stopping herself from lashing out made her angrier.
& at that point, she gave up. Her actions held no regard for her well-being.
She noticed that the green light on the dashboard indicated that it was almost 2AM as she sped recklessly across the empty streets. Normally, she'd never leave the house after 9PM. But this isn't the same girl that is controlling her body, it was what the 9-year-old version of herself called "a monster". It was the same feeling that coursed through her veins whenever her mom took her anger out on her as a child & adolescent. But her life was different now. Her mother became calm & understanding, & she was no longer a child. So why was she angry? She hasn't locked in her small closet anymore, but she still felt trapped. & that's the painful reality she has to swallow. Her momma was no longer possessed by that monster. Instead, it found its way inside of her daughter. Her hands tightened on the steering wheel as the familiar feeling of fear gripped her. She had nowhere to go. She had to turn back. Her home was empty & cold, just like her heart.
She was sitting in class the next day, nails digging anxiously into the soft flesh of her arms. Her dad had driven her to school. She was no longer allowed to drive, a punishment she knew she deserved. Anger was quickly brooding inside of her like fire in a dry forest. Her dad's ignorance was the wood that fed the fire. Her dad did nothing, & yet she was angry. She screamed at him despite the extreme guilt that followed. It made her realize why her momma used to scream & hurt her all the time. It was the childlike helplessness that pissed her off. When the boy next to her tried to start a conversation with her, she almost lashed out at him. The anger was pouring out of her like water in an overflowing cup. She had to leave in the middle of class so others wouldn't see her cry. Anger is disgusting. Anger is ugly. It was what she feared the most, but it was also the emotion she knew too well.
She didn't know who she wanted to be when she was young, but she knew who she didn't want to be. She didn't want to be her momma. In her mind, she imagined how she would treat her future children with nothing but love. But what she didn't know was that she wasn't "normal". Her family was far from "normal." She never understood why she was always the reason why counselors & teachers have class talks about abuse. She never understood why teachers were so concerned about her. She never understood why her parents fought every day, or why her dad would leave so that her momma could take her anger out on someone else. Ironically, it was almost like a curse that was passed down to her by her relatives. Her momma suffered from unloving & bashful parents, & so did all her cousins on her mom's side. Her momma probably wanted to raise her child well too. Her momma's deepest regret was letting her only child down, but regretting doesn't change the past. The biggest tragedy is that despite the fact that she hated the person her momma used to be, she was exactly like her momma. & that's what she feared the most. It took her momma over 40 years to defeat her monster. How many years would it take her to overcome it?
Her momma greeted her with a warm smile when she came home that day. Her momma didn't raise her voice when she had lashed out at her in the morning. Her momma never raised her voice anymore. When her momma wrapped her arms around her, she felt all her anger disappear. & though it felt a little unfair that she had to wait 16 years for her mom to love her, she was grateful for her love. Her momma, who had never been loved as a child, was able to change & love her. It was all she wanted.
& yes, she was still terrified of what the future had in store for her. But with her momma's newfound love for her, she felt a little bit better.
It was all she wanted.
Last edited by
Gladis on Thu Apr 19, 2018 10:05 am, edited 3 times in total.
