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Positivity

Postby Gladis » Mon Nov 13, 2017 12:21 pm

    i. It will be okay,
    I'm proud of who I've become.

    If I can teach myself to hate with my words,
    I can also teach myself to love.
Last edited by Gladis on Thu Apr 19, 2018 10:04 am, edited 2 times in total.
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Postby Gladis » Wed Nov 15, 2017 12:09 pm

    My god is not here.
    There is only me. So I might as well
    make the

    best

    of it
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Postby Gladis » Wed Nov 15, 2017 2:33 pm

    Have I made my way out of Plato's cave?
    The sun shines so bright,
    yet it stings cold like ice.

    I have yet to decide, on where to go.
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Postby Gladis » Wed Nov 22, 2017 9:14 pm

    the truth is that there is no secret
    I just have to pretend I’m brave when I’m not

    But I know, I’ve been trying so hard to be a leopard
    With my lions roar.

    I can do it. I can make it

    I am worthy of this
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Postby Gladis » Wed Dec 06, 2017 6:30 am

    The feelings still come back to haunt me.
    But as much as it hurts,

    I am stronger than ever.

    I know I am good enough
    For the weight of the world.
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Postby Gladis » Wed Dec 13, 2017 5:05 pm

    Am I proud of who I have become?
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spontaneous thoughts

Postby Gladis » Tue Dec 19, 2017 5:37 pm

    i. I am a selfish person
    But who isn't? I want love & attention all to myself, but I try to be more open-minded. I am sensitive & quick-tempered, & I am everything I think about. How do I want to present myself? Who do I want to be? I felt shocked when I heard the talk about my good friend Ken, but there's always a side to people that the world may never know. I am a hypocrite. Why do I judge so much when I've got things to hide?

    & here I am, crying silently in the back of the room while my friends are watching a movie. It was a good day. I went skiing & ate well. I got to pet the family dog & drank tea with my friends near the fireplace. It was the best day, & yet I couldn't enjoy it. I hate myself. My self-hatred would not leave me alone that day, & with every passing minute, I felt myself crumble. I must've been blind to think I was actually worth something. Why did I have to be ME? I felt so alone. All my life I was trying to own up to who I was - my body & my face, but it never works out in the end.

    ii. I say I am an extrovert, but I am a liar
    When my friends play car games with each other, I sit in the back & shove in my earbuds. I tell them I'm too tired to play. Perhaps, I am too tired to interact. But that's just me, I guess. I'm Liz. Liz is cold & basically not a good person if you ask me.

    iii. My suffering has a name - loathing
    It's realizing how painful reality is. I always try to convince myself otherwise, but the truth will always be the truth (The only thing that matters is how I interpret that, I guess?). It's gut-wrenching. I hate myself, but what can I do about it? Life can be so unfair sometimes. Why do I have to be me? I never chose the shape of my nose, or the downward slant of my eyes, the shape of my face, or the pout on my lips that make me look like an angry pug. & more importantly - I never got a say in my life. Would I choose differently if I got the option to be born into an unstable family that expresses their love in very weird ways? I want to blame others for my loathing. To blame whoever came to create my pathetic existence. But I can't, it's only me. It almost seems like some cruel joke. I was only born to suffer, right?

    iv. I don't know what I feel
    I feel everything, & then nothing at all. They say it's just a process I'll make it through. I know I'll make it through. But why do I feel so much? I remember the excitement the 4-year-old me felt when she discovered that the color of her eyes was the same as her dad's. Or the fear she felt whenever her mom was angry (which back then, was ALL the time). Or the innocent joy she felt when her teachers would notice her efforts in art & writing. But now, I feel pain in the placement of my features. & dullness at the voice of my mother. My writings would be a half assed & spontaneous clutter of words that barely make sense. I can't even keep a journal or keep up with my feelings.

    v. I am ungrateful
    13 year old me would've killed to have what I have now. Good friends, freedom, & a mother who loves me. But I distance myself from my friends & cry about my appearance. I stay inside when I'm not out doing something stupid, & I'm cold towards my mother.
    Despite all these years, I haven't learned anything. I still don't know how to appreciate life or my body. I just don't.

    vi. I'm just Liz, & I can only offer so much
    I think the world knows this better than I do. I can't be the most beautiful girl in the world, or the funniest, or the best person out there. I can be pretty on some days, & I can make people laugh when I'm really up for it. Sometimes when I feel good, I can take on the world. But on other days, I'd rather just keep to myself. No one else will know the full story of me, & I will not know the full stories of others, but I think that's okay. This is the story life crafted out for me. & even though I feel like my existence is a stupid waste of materials & time, I know I exist for a reason, even if that reason is to suffer.

    I don't want to lie anymore. I'm really not okay & I don't think I'll be okay, & I can't guarantee I'll make it past 20, or 30, or even 40. My dad says he doesn't know what to do with me when I go off to college like this, & I don't either. But I've made it to this point in life. & whether or not I'll continue is the future me's choice. All I can do now is have faith & continue on like I have been with my whole life.
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🌱🌿💐

Postby Gladis » Thu Jan 04, 2018 6:21 am

    change will happen for the better, but let him take his time.
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Postby Gladis » Fri Jan 05, 2018 12:37 pm


    An all too familiar feeling

    Knowing that the effort would be wasted in the end.
    That it wouldn't last anyways. I'm not in love.

    and yet, I can't get him off of my mind
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Postby Gladis » Thu Jan 11, 2018 6:46 pm

    Never let go of who you are,
    Because the hardest challenge
    is finding yourself.
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