Rανєη Rιѕє COMPLETE 5/12/17

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Re: Rανєη Rιѕє COVER CONTEST, READER QUESTIONS, AND UPDATE 1

Postby Ranger of the North » Wed Jun 07, 2017 3:13 pm

Poor Aidan; hate it when ya scare people who look up to you... :'/

oH NO!! SNEAKY CATAGO YOU CAN'T LIE DANGGG ITT THEY'RE IN TROUBLE NOW D:

Seriously, though, I loved those last few paragraphs; though your descriptions were minimal, they were to the point, and I could imagine it all really clearly :D

(you did say a woman burst from the ground, tho XP)
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Re: Rανєη Rιѕє COVER CONTEST, READER QUESTIONS, AND UPDATE 1

Postby frankie (dup) » Wed Jun 07, 2017 4:11 pm

Ranger of the North wrote:
Poor Aidan; hate it when ya scare people who look up to you... :'/

oH NO!! SNEAKY CATAGO YOU CAN'T LIE DANGGG ITT THEY'RE IN TROUBLE NOW D:

Seriously, though, I loved those last few paragraphs; though your descriptions were minimal, they were to the point, and I could imagine it all really clearly :D

(you did say a woman burst from the ground, tho XP)


Thank you!
Catago are very sneaky, yes

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Re: Rανєη Rιѕє COVER CONTEST, READER QUESTIONS, AND UPDATE 1

Postby Ranger of the North » Wed Jun 07, 2017 4:15 pm

Np c:

*slow nodding...*

Ahahahaha, riiight, that makes more sense XD
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Ƈнαρтєя Ɲιηє

Postby frankie (dup) » Wed Jun 21, 2017 5:19 am

Pollux sat on the couch, eyeing the ice pack in front of him as if it were about to jump out at him.
Why do I need ice? He wondered. He'd been in the water, right? There was no reason he'd need ice.

For a while, he just watched the people around him. Their movements seemed robotic, as if they were in autopilot, as if everything was perfect.

It was against the law to speak ill of the Catago. You had to register just to have a house, and it could take months for registration to finish. After registration was finished, a bug would be placed in every room of your house. Hiding an area was punishable by death. Well, technically you got a trial, but it was biased. And certainly not in your favour.

So, Pollux felt odd and out of place. An outlaw, a criminal, sitting on a couch in a room of terrified kids, glaring at an ice pack and drinking some sort of soft drink.

A few hours passed and Pollux watched all the children leave the room. Eventually, even Loren yawned and left.

Pollux pursed his lips and waited, watching, until Ada entered his room.
“Why ice?” He asked.

Ada stopped where she stood and dropped the styrofoam cups, spilling pink liquid all over the ground.

Ada covered her face with her hand and cursed.
“I'm sorry,” she muttered. “I just… you don't want to hear this story.”
“Oh, yes I do,” Pollux said, furrowing his brow.
He winced. Too harsh.

Ada sighed and left Pollux to count the seconds.
One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine…

Ada reappeared with a towel, which she used to wipe the floor. She left again.

One, two, three, four, five.
She was back sooner this time.

Ada sat down at the ottoman and took a deep breath.
“I can't believe I'm telling you this.”
There was no bite behind her words, no sharp sting. Just genuine disbelief.

“It's all a lie,” Ada sighed. “I know more than you think. I know… things.
The cuffs are made of special metal. The Catago always wear gloves so they can touch them, but unless you snag a pair of their gloves… touching the outside metal of the cuffs will allow some sort of poison to enter your body. No one but the Catago know what the poison is, but there is a counter.”

She breathed again, and continued. “There is only one counter. It doesn't resemble ice, but it does look a lot like the blue stuff in ice packs. So, we can give it to people after cooling it so it feels like ice, not a counter to a deadly poison.”

Pollux pursed his lips and looked back at the pack. Come to think of it, there were a few hints that it wasn't ice. It was too solid to be the blue stuff, and too… glowy.
“How do you know this?” Pollux asked, shifting the pack that may very well have saved his life back and forth in his hands.

Ada looked almost defeated.
“I was really hoping I wouldn't have to tell you this…” She said.

“Twelve years ago, I met Rico’s father. He was the leader of a war group, The Ravens, and after we lost, his wife was killed. He said that I was the first person, beyond family, to hear about his six-year-old son. He only mentioned that his son’s name was Rico. And that his name was Jacinto. He was hiding his son, afraid that he'd be killed, too.”

Pollux didn't realize until Ada stopped to take a breath that he was leaning forwards, his eyes bright with curiosity, and his face didn't look unlike a small child’s, listening to a picture book.

Ada continued.
“I fell in love with him, and he fell in love with me. We dated for a while, then he told me about The Ravens, two years later.”

“I joined. Part time, at least. Then I saw someone die and I wanted out. It was stupid, cowardly, and selfish. I didn't join because I wanted to help people, I joined because I was following my boyfriend around like a lovesick puppy.
So, Aiden's parents escorted me out, but they had to take their two-year-old son with them. I don't know why, they never said.”

“We were ambushed. I ran like a coward, then went back.
I thought Aiden's parents would've fought them off, but they didn't. Both of them were dead, but miraculously, Aiden was alive. Alive and confused. I scooped him up, ran back to the orphanage, and lied for nearly thirteen years.”

She glared.
“And there you have it. The story of an idiot who lied and lied because she wanted to be loved by the person she considered family.”

---

The rest of The Ravens left the room where the dead man laid, but Aiden and the woman who'd come forward remained.
“Can you go?” She sobbed. “He's my husband. Can't you let's woman grieve in peace?”

Aiden nodded and left, trembling.
He'd just watched someone die.
Someone with a wife.

Someone with children, by the looks of the two boys who looked like a mixture of the man and woman, calling out for their dad, even though he couldn't hear them.

Everyone else could hear their wails, though. Even through the thick walls that separated the rooms.

Aiden retreated to the comfort of his own room, and there he laid, looking up at the roof, think only one thought.
Why?

---

It took a little while for Pollux to process Ada’s story.
“One thing,” Pollux said.
“What?”
“Once Aiden returns for Loren and I, you tell him. Or… or…. I will.”
“Do I have to tell the others? They're strangers.”
“I'm a stranger. But maybe tell Rico sooner than the others. At least about you and his dad.”

“It was my fault,” Ada muttered.
“The Catago killed them. Not you.”
“Even though the Catago killed them, their blood is on my hands.”

Pollux stayed silent, as did Ada.
The two sat, thinking only one thing.
What if?

Previous Chapter: Eight
Next Chapter: Ten
Last edited by frankie (dup) on Wed Sep 13, 2017 2:18 pm, edited 7 times in total.
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Re: Rανєη Rιѕє COVER CONTEST, READER QUESTIONS, AND UPDATE 2

Postby blackbird. » Sat Jun 24, 2017 10:24 pm

      i feel like this is super late - but here's my review so far:
      the story seems really interesting! i like how there really isn't any sort of predictability and i (as the reader) really don't know what's about to happen next. i also like the characters, in a way that they really choose their own path from the choices they make. it's a very unique premise for a story, and while it's very ambitious to create an entire world and setting, it also leaves a lot of questions and sometimes it gets a bit confusing with the information overload so maybe it'll be good to remind the readers of certain important facts about the setting so that it doesn't get confusing? i'd actually like to know a lot more about the catago and the way they function because it's not very clear about their motivations and how oppressive they are. also it feels like there's a lot of telling rather than showing, which makes for a much better story usually. for example, instead of saying "[bryson] didn't show much emotion", make it consistent with the character and every time he's mentioned, show him having a stoic exterior. the readers don't have to know the full extent of the characters just yet. it's part of the journey not only to uncover the plot but also to discover the characters so there's no rush to describe all the characters so immediately - helps with the information overload too!
      sorry if it sounds like i'm harsh - just trying to provide some constructive criticism! hope it helps c:
      but yeah generally it's an enjoyable read and i'm looking forward to more!
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Re: Rανєη Rιѕє COVER CONTEST, READER QUESTIONS, AND UPDATE 2

Postby frankie (dup) » Sun Jun 25, 2017 3:19 am

Thank you!
It's not harsh, don't worry! Critism helps me grow and I can see all your points.
I was kind of thinking of making a side story with several stories about the world, since I can't dump a ton of world building at once into the narrative.

One of my plans was going to be an inside look at the Catago. Unfortunately, their ultimate goal is a secret until late in the sequel.
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Re: Rανєη Rιѕє COVER CONTEST, READER QUESTIONS, AND UPDATE 2

Postby frankie (dup) » Sun Jun 25, 2017 7:20 am

Ranger of the North wrote:
o.o


o.o is right!
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Re: Rανєη Rιѕє COVER CONTEST, READER QUESTIONS, AND UPDATE 2

Postby frankie (dup) » Tue Jul 18, 2017 3:46 pm

Okay, so I have a bit of writer's block, so Chapter ten has taken a while.
However, I revised the Prologue! No major story changes were made, just one tiny story detail that doesn't really matter. (Kudos if catch it.)

Also, lots more detail! If it seems too flowery, let me know. c:
Thank you!
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➤ canadian eh
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Ƈнαρтєя Ƭєη

Postby frankie (dup) » Sat Aug 12, 2017 3:26 pm

A:N omg I suck
Also, if this chapter is unclear towards the end... Yay! That's intended.
Chapter edited


They buried the dead man once morning broke.
That night had been the worst night of Aiden’s life.
There was silence. No laughter, no talking, just quiet, except for the occasional sob. Aiden didn't even sleep, and judging by the looks of everyone else, they hadn't slept either.

Aiden watched them lift up the coffin the man’s body had been placed in.

Aiden wished he didn't have to go. Not because he didn't want to, but because the silence was just eerie.

The wind whipped and howled as the group dragged their feet to Five Hills. Aiden glanced towards the general direction of the tunnels, and he heard someone quietly say, “it would be disrespectful to take a shortcut.”

Aiden nodded and bit his lip. He fell into rhythm, zoning out.

But god the cold morning wind bit into Aiden's arms and face like tiny, merciless knives.
He wondered briefly how the man had died.
Stabbed, probably.
Aiden banished the thoughts from his head, and his face went blank once more.

They pulled the cofffin into the grave and covered it back up, which was considerably easier than digging it. That had been a gruelling task, and Aiden had felt exhausted just watching the more muscular people try to dig the grave.

But there was still the walk back, and the back trek to Vecuria to get Pollux and Loren that afternoon. Aiden felt dread twisting in his heart. He wanted nothing more than to run back home, throw himself into Ada’s arms, and just cry.

When they returned, everyone went their sepearte ways, not saying a word.
Frankly, the fourteen-year-old wanted to scream, if only to break the silence.

Aiden grabbed something to eat and sat in his room, reading and relaxing his sore body.
One week until his fifteenth birthday and suddenly, he was wondering if he'd make it that far.

---

That evening, Aiden clambered onto Nitika, while Rico mounted his own horse - Alastair, was it? The large black stallion was better trained than Nitika, and didn't do the same odd gate that bothered Aiden whenever he rode Nitika.

Neither of them wore their cloaks, and Aiden kept his head down, in case he was recognized.
Thankfully, nothing happened, and the two continued on, safe.

After a while, they arrived at New Horizons, and Aiden knocked on the door.
Pollux opened it.
“Oh. Hey.”
His friend turned around and shouted inside.
“Ada! Loren! Aiden's here!”

Loren stood off to the side, mostly indifferent. Ada had an odd look on her face that Aiden hadn't seen before.
Her lips were pursed into a tight line, and her eyes were rimmed with red and bloodshot.
I guess someone else didn't get much sleep.

Aiden opened his mouth to say something, but Pollux shook his head, and Ada beat him to speaking anyways.
“Please, come in. May I speak to you in private, Aiden?”

He nodded and stepped inside, while Rico just rocked back and forth on his heels until Pollux motioned for him to come inside.

Aiden pulled in a sharp breath as he walked out of the living room with Ada. What did she want from him?

---

He found out soon enough.
Aiden left the room after listening to Ada tell the tale of what really happened to Aiden's parents, and with a dejected sigh, had told him, I won't hold it against you if you hate me.
His response had been a simple, curt, I don't hate you.

And he didn't. But that didn't mean he was fine. Part of him blamed Ada, part of him was upset that such important information had been kept from him.
But no part of him hated the woman who'd raised him for almost thirteen years. His stomach churned, and sleep dragged at his eyelids.
I want it to go home.
Aiden banished the treacherous thoughts from his head.

Aiden watched Ada just stare at Rico, as her lips pressed into a hard line. She appeared to be thinking, the way she was looking at the young man, but at the same time not seeing him.
Loren broke the awkward silence.
“Should we be on our way?”
Rico nodded, side-eyeing Ada in confusion and something like worry.
“We can both ride Alistair. Aiden and Pollux will ride Nitika.”

Rico opened the door to be greeted by four Catago soldiers.

---

Loren, Pollux, Rico, and Aiden bolted out of the room as fast as their feet could carry them, which, thankfully, was pretty fast.

Aiden ducked under the table and his hand flew to the holster at his side. Inside was some sort of gun. It didn’t shoot bullets, but rather it would cause small scale explosions, enough to knock someone off their feet.

“I do hope you have an explanation for the four fleeing people, or we’ll have to charge you for harboring a fugitive or two.”

“Those are rumors, Unfounded,” Ada said.
“We’re playing hide and go seek!” Leslie exclaimed. Aiden could practically feel the grin on her face widen.
“I cheat. They have to run fast or I’ll say their hiding spots.”

Aiden silently thanked Burke, the rowdy teen who’d taught the house full of children how to lie.

“Alright, girl. I suppose you might like some help finding your friends? And you won’t mind us checking the security footage if it’s necessary?”

Aiden’s heart sunk into his chest.
Dammit Burke! You didn’t teach her well enough!

Aiden listened closely. Only one set or footsteps.
One shot, one chance.

He pulled out the gun and pressed the trigger.
Three explosions went off. Rico’s, Pollux’s, and his own.

Aiden saw plaster fly everywhere, as well as wood and what he could’ve sworn was part of the fridge.
Sorry Ada.

He rose to his feet, trembling.
His ears rung, his eyes stung.

When the dust, sulphur, really, cleared, he saw a body lying in front of him.
Right at his feet, in front of the table.

His milky, white eyes were glazed over.

Nopleasenohewasinnocent?
He felt his heart catch in his throat. The soldier was still, too still.
He’s so close to me I hit him at point-blank he's dead he’s dead oh my god I killed a man he didn’t mean to.

The words left Aiden’s mouth before he had the chance to stop them.
“He’s dead! He’s dead!”
“He’s not dead.”

It was Loren’s voice that brought Aiden out of his horrified trance.
“Just has quite the concussion. The explosions spooked the other guys. Ditched their buddy here. Wish I had one of those blasters.”

Aiden bit his lip hard enough that he felt blood well up.
With a scream he threw the gun across the room. It flew through the hole in the wall.

Aiden held his head in his hands.

Footsteps.
“Get away!”

“It’s just me.”
Ada. Ada was good, Ada was okay.

He saw her purse her lips and she stared at the wreckage that was once her kitchen.

“If I’m staying with you all, where are the kids going to go?”


A:N I love me some mood whiplash
Just so you know, Aiden isn't really the 'thou shalt not kill' type. He's just freaking out about the possibility of killing someone because;
A. They were being controlled
B. He's fourteen


Previous Chapter: Nine
Next Chapter: Eleven
Last edited by frankie (dup) on Wed Sep 13, 2017 2:18 pm, edited 2 times in total.
my dms are open,
but im a spoonie
and i may not
respond promptly.
it's not personal.
especially hmu if
you want to talk
about atla,
im autistic and its
been my special
interest for like.
a bajillion years.
➤ they/it lesbian
➤ canadian eh
➤ gay zuko
truther /lh
➤ please use
tonetags!
➤ feel free to ask for
my discord if we've
talked before
➤ help idk how to
make this pretty
Image
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