{ ＩＮＫＬＩＮＧＳ v.4 } A Thread For Writers

[watts]

Hello everyone; I’m a bit new here!
I’m nev, or naomi; just posted my form on the other thread!

I recently wrote a poem, and I’d love some people to read it/critique! Should I post it here, or show it to whoever is interested through PM? <;

[TheSongOfTheStars]

You can just post it and welcome Naomi!

[minimire]

Hello everybody!!
What did I miss? XD I'm in Japan now for a holiday so I couldn't reply to anything whilst on the plane from Australia-Singapore-Japan.
But Japan has actualy inspired me about what to write next - for example-

-It has a chilling sort of cold that runs right through everything and makes it cold
-It has cupboards for blankets that you can hang out/sleep in (a secret portal in a book?)
-The overall style of Japanese houses (some paper walls etc. - you might be able to walk through them in a book to another destination?)

-
This kind of thing, lol.

Oh, and I was at Singapore airport for a couple hours too

-Beautiful and creative decorations around the place (could write this for an unusual destination the character has never been to)
-A humid sort of weather
-Everything is a city! (Again, maybe a strange destinaion the character hasn't seen)
-

Soooo yeah. Am I taking this too seriously?

how did you find singapore airport? XD

[leiawolfe]

Hello everybody!!
What did I miss? XD I'm in Japan now for a holiday so I couldn't reply to anything whilst on the plane from Australia-Singapore-Japan.
But Japan has actualy inspired me about what to write next - for example-

-It has a chilling sort of cold that runs right through everything and makes it cold
-It has cupboards for blankets that you can hang out/sleep in (a secret portal in a book?)
-The overall style of Japanese houses (some paper walls etc. - you might be able to walk through them in a book to another destination?)

-
This kind of thing, lol.

Oh, and I was at Singapore airport for a couple hours too

-Beautiful and creative decorations around the place (could write this for an unusual destination the character has never been to)
-A humid sort of weather
-Everything is a city! (Again, maybe a strange destinaion the character hasn't seen)
-

Soooo yeah. Am I taking this too seriously?

how did you find singapore airport? XD

Oh, yeah, it was actually my favourite out of the three airports I went to tbh, the decorations were beautiful and I loved the surroundings c: there was this really pretty garden thingy with a big decorated tree and Christmas trees around it.. okay, I suck at explaining this stuff xD
And I found at least two of these little tablet/devices that had like six faces and on them it said something like "how do you rate our garden?" Or "How did you rate our food?". And they were like: Excellent, good, okay, poor, very poor.

My favourite part was probably this camera where it took a picture of you in black and white pixels and sent it to your email. That was cool. Yes I'm bad at ecplaining things. Cri,

-also so sorry if this was off-topic ^^;-

[watts]

and as she cried,
her flowers broke apart
from her branches
and flew across the field,
until it was covered
in a blanket of petals

years passed,
and as they went on,
trees began to appear
surrounding her
in the beautiful forest
of herself

overjoyed,
the tree danced
with excitement
and the boy returned
with a new lover
and begged the tree
for forgiveness

she bent down,
giving the boy all of her blossoms
and reminded him
that first love was true,
and that she would be there
to give him her flowers
time and time again
until he realized
who he really loved.

her leaves rustled in the wind
as the petals of the flowers
peppered around her branches
fell to her tired feet
and after months of waiting
for somone to find her
and bring one of her beautiful
cherry blossoms
away with them
he came running up the hill

take my flowers to your loved one,
she cried,
extending her arms
towards him
so he may reach

but he declined, insisting
that they were not beautiful
enough for him
instead
he decided to pick
the fullest, reddest rose
on the bush

and as he went
to pick the rose,
its stems wrapped tightly
around his wrists
dotting his arms with their thorns

the tree wept,
for the boy
had been blinded
by what he assumed
was love

sorry that it's a bit long! i'd like to hear some critiques maybe? <;
read up to down, then to the next column. i separated it so the post wouldn't be too long!

[Ranger of the North]

the poll needs an option for people on holiday, lol


Welcome, Naomi! Good to see you here c: I really liked your poem! I love the analogy, it adds so much more depth, and gives me a Hans Christian Andersen vibe My only complaint (and even then it's a fairly small one) would be one of grammar/formatting cx Sometimes it's just hard to determine if a new sentence has begun, or if the previous one's continuing. A few full-stops or commas can easily remedy that, though! c: And the tree's speech might need speech-marks, but Idk, you might have left them out on purpose :p Everything else is really well done! Good job! It's freakin' hard to write non-rhyming poems

[leiawolfe]

Wait, what? Is the poll suggesting people are already off holidays now?

[Ranger of the North]

Wait, what? Is the poll suggesting people are already off holidays now?

XD no idea if it meant to, but it looks that way XD
Although Americans might still be in school; Idk c:

[Spotted.Newt]

Does anyone have any tips for describing movement? I have a dance scene I want to write, but I don't seem to have the words.

Lovely poem Naomi! I am usually partial to poetry so thick with symbolism that it is hard to say for sure what is real, but I enjoyed reading your poem. I particularly liked the wording you chose in the second column. I shall read it again in a bit and then say more, as is my custom with poetry, to find my deeper takeaways. First impression: lovely.

[Ranger of the North]

Does anyone have any tips for describing movement? I have a dance scene I want to write, but I don't seem to have the words.

Lovely poem Naomi! I am usually partial to poetry so thick with symbolism that it is hard to say for sure what is real, but I enjoyed reading your poem. I particularly liked the wording you chose in the second column. I shall read it again in a bit and then say more, as is my custom with poetry, to find my deeper takeaways. First impression: lovely.

I sometimes find something that reminds me of it, and describe that, instead c: Like wind: 'they twirled and spun to the music in their hearts'. Or water: 'they moved with fluid grace'. Or combinations, like trees, water, and wind: 'they swayed and bowed, twirling away and then back, flowing in a never-ending pattern of motion and light'.
...sorry for the kinda crude examples, aha. Hope they give you some ideas! c: