*critique me* (you post, I critique)

[Cadin Araceli]

Of course it's not a bother!!
Yeah, that's definitely closer to the style I'm used to. More usual ways of setting the meaning instead of more flowery terms. I love the way you have it set up and it flows very well! I wouldn't really suggest much for this, except to either not repeate a word withing like 2 stanzas, or do it every stanza. Depending on the meaning you want. (Specifically the word tired for me)

[~DavidBryanRashbaum~]

Title: To jump or not to jump.

i stood at the edge of the mud sodden bank.
i struggled to decide wether or not i should jump.
stepping ever so slightly into the coll water beside me.
cold, silent,
DEAD.
i killed him.
i flung myself forward, slipping slightly on the mud that covered my feet.
then i fell.
the air screamed in my ears and my stomach flung against my spine.
i tensed, bracing myself for the coldness of the death that awaited me.

okay its about a girl who killed herboyfriend in self defense. she was standing on a giant cliff with a waterfall wondering wether she was gong to kill herself for taking a life. she decides to and this is her POV before she dies,

[no longer here]

viewtopic.php?f=57&t=1972544

[Cadin Araceli]

I'll get one both right now!

[sammmy]

viewtopic.php?f=57&t=1973457
could you critique that please?

[Cadin Araceli]

I'll add it to the list

[sammmy]

thanks so much!

[Cadin Araceli]

To Jump or Not to Jump
As I will always say, if you need to have an explanation included for your poem to make sense, you need to find a way to make it obsolete. Either by adding more into your poem so you explain it within reading it, or by changing the poem slightly so that the direct meaning you have isn't as important.
Beyond that, I would say to remember that capitalization is important, and to make sure you do a read though for those kinds of things.
Along with that, I would love to have more detail as to what is doing on in your characters head. It's not easy to make a move like that, and so having more detail as to he thoughts and possibly flash back would be grand. It would add to the poem, both figuratively and literally, which I think would really work for how you write.
Also, beware the trap of I. It's a wonderful word and great to use! But, not every sentence.

[Cadin Araceli]

Gumlee Fanfiction
I think it would be better for me to critique once you have more, but I shall critique it now as well!
When you have a different person talk, you have to start a new paragraph. It's just something you gotta do. I like the way that you are writing it right now, from the point of view your using to the amount of detail you are giving, so make sure you keep that up as you continue writing. I love that you stayed true to character and you kept with what's basically the norm for Adventure Time.
You have done a really good job setting us up for the rest of the scene, which has never been easy for me at least so congratz!
I do hope you keep writing. I am sorry this is such a short critique, It's just really short and there isn't much to say.

[~DavidBryanRashbaum~]

To Jump or Not to Jump
As I will always say, if you need to have an explanation included for your poem to make sense, you need to find a way to make it obsolete. Either by adding more into your poem so you explain it within reading it, or by changing the poem slightly so that the direct meaning you have isn't as important.
Beyond that, I would say to remember that capitalization is important, and to make sure you do a read though for those kinds of things.
Along with that, I would love to have more detail as to what is doing on in your characters head. It's not easy to make a move like that, and so having more detail as to he thoughts and possibly flash back would be grand. It would add to the poem, both figuratively and literally, which I think would really work for how you write.
Also, beware the trap of I. It's a wonderful word and great to use! But, not every sentence.

Will do. Do you min if I PM you the edit when I'm done?