Arwer

[Serafium]

Guys, please comment on the story. Help me improve it.

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People, if you read this, Please vote!

[MultiPearlJammer]

the story has a good idea, and i can see where your trying to go with it. good use of verbs and other words, but you need to add a "so what?" to the beginning. like...if your reading this, and after the first few sentences i was to ask "so what?" what, exactly, would that be? in other words, it needs to have a hook, that will drag the reader in without mercy. Do less explaining and try adding in more dialogue to explain things, it will add a little more excitement. and yes, its hard to add dialogue sometimes, but anyone can just set down and write a narrative, but it takes true skill to make an exciting story with plenty of "so whats" (hooks) at the beginning of every paragraph, and dialogue that fits. But hey, when i wanted to become a better writer I decided to take lots and lots of creative writing classes in middle school and high school. It really gave me good advice and tips, plus I got advice from not only the teachers, but the classmates as well. Try it out

[Indigo Doges :3]

I think this is a pretty good story and but I think you need to try and explain what's going on in the first part in more detail and make it easier to follow. It got quite confusing as I didn't know who each description was referring to.

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