It’s like,
everything shuts down,
and suddenly,
I can’t breathe,
can’t do anything,
but sit here in silence,
hoping it won’t last long,
wondering,
how I can possibly stay strong.
It doesn’t matter how happy I am,
how good things seem to be going,
the emptiness consumes me,
it’s the only thing inside me,
and nothing matters,
nothing will ever matter,
because I don’t have hope,
I don’t even want to be alive.
And I wonder,
if it shows on my face,
if the light leaves my eyes,
as soon as the momentum fades,
and I’m left alone,
given time to think.
I wonder,
if you can see how lost I am.
I’ve hidden it so well for 19 years,
but now my walls are falling,
my demons bursting through the seams,
so it just seems,
I can’t keep everything from showing anymore.
The hatred flashes across my face,
the depression lingers,
so I turn away,
I force a smile,
then force myself to say,
I’m perfectly okay.
But I’m not,
I haven’t been okay,
since I lost everyone,
haven’t been okay,
since the nightmares began,
I just haven’t been okay,
as far back as I remember.
All my memories are streaked with anger,
polluted by this sadness.
I still remember,
the day I first picked up the knife,
still remember,
the day I was truly ready to end my life,
all I remember,
is a house I never called a home,
a family that was never my own,
and this burning anger,
that’s been my constant companion.
I can’t be fixed because I was never whole,
even before the depression,
the hatred was eating away at my soul.